What Porn is…and what it isn't.

Many people like to argue about what porn is.  Porn is good.  Porn is evil.  Porn is a virtue.  Porn is a sin.  Porn is whatever you want it to be.  For some, they see it as just another tool of enjoyment at our disposal.  For others, it is the 1st Horseman of the Apocalypse, signaling the end of the world.  Some call it entertainment, some call it the gateway for the sex-trade.  Some would say it helps their sex life or their relationship and others would say that porn destroyed their relational world.  Arguing about what porn is becomes a silly endeavor at times - it's a deeply complicated and sensitive issue that ALWAYS has a story behind it that must be sat with and honored.  Because one thing I do know porn to be - porn is people.  Porn stars are people and the millions and millions of people who feast on their flesh everyday are people too.  And I believe that each of these people carries the DNA of the Divine Creator inside them.  That is my fundamental paradigm of the inhabitants of this planet.  Within each of us is untold power to heal, transform, and bring unlimited goodness into this world.  This was the message of Christ.  

So, the discussion becomes useful for me when we start talking about what porn isn't.  Even pro-porn people can probably deduce that porn isn't love.  It isn't intimacy.  Porn may be A truth for you, but it isn't THE truth about you, no matter how much you've been abused.  You may experience intimacy with someone while watching porn, but the question is still: Is there something deeper?  Is porn the ultimate truth about who I am and what I am capable of becoming as a sexual being?  I think the answer to that is clear.  Porn isn't the truth about your sexuality.  It is, like I said before, a pacifier, a space-holder - a medication for pain that, I will admit, sometimes may need some medication.  But pain medication doesn't heal.  Porn isn't a healer of the wounds that we carry.  

Some would say that porn can fill a need.  "I have needs," one spouse says to another.  But what is the need?  For a release?  Perhaps.  But, I have this hunch that our sexuality goes deeper than that still.  What if we were meant to be driven by desire, not need?  What if the same thing driving us to porn is meant to drive us to the truth that lies hidden in our sexuality?  What if the path called sexuality, with all of it's pain and pleasure, horror and happiness, is meant to drive us to the core of who we are?  What if it is meant to heal us?  I certainly know that porn isn't that truth.  It isn't happiness.  It isn't joy.  Porn isn't peace.  And ultimately, that is what we all want.  And only desire can drive us to this type of truth seeking.

My wife and I recently had our second child - emergency c-section.  This can throw a curve-ball into one's sex-life, to say the least.  (Not to mention that our other child is only 18 months old.)  We were talking the other day about "needs" in this context.  As we were discussing this, I felt a determination rise up inside of me.  A determination to go deeper than the past.  "Screw needs," I said.  "I don't want to need you.  I want you."  

I truly believe if we can come to the place where we realize that we are all driven by a desire to find the truth at our unconscious core, we would move beyond the instinctual "need" very quickly.  What truth?  The truth about who we are.  What makes us valuable?  What makes us safe?  What are we meant to be?  This is where we carry our pain and this is where we abandon ourselves and give in to the idea that the best we can hope for is to "need" a release.  Which porn is.  It's a release.  

But porn isn't the last word on you and your sexuality.  (-:  Would love to hear your stories - comment below.